Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord: Practical Applications

Violet Beau
4 min readJul 17, 2023


A smorgasbord is a Swedish word that refers to a type of meal or buffet featuring a variety of dishes. The term is often used to describe a lavish spread of different foods, allowing people to sample and enjoy a diverse range of flavors and textures.

The idea behind relationship anarchy smorgasbord is that each relationship we have is a plate and from the smorgasbord or buffet we can take as much as we would each like from each dish.

The term “relationship anarchy smorgasbord” does not refer to a specific creation or invention made by a particular individual or group. “Relationship anarchy” is a philosophy or approach to relationships that emphasizes personal autonomy, consent, and non-hierarchical connections. It encourages individuals to define and navigate their relationships on their own terms, without adhering to traditional societal norms or predefined relationship structures.

You can check out the short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy to start your journey or refresh your memory.

In this article I talk about some of the prompts in the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord and how I used them to help me understand how partners and how we want to relate.


I have had many varied conversations with partners about what sex means to us and how we might share or not share this experience. In some phases of life there is no or little sex between partners and I. Being able to bring this up in conversation and express how that felt to each of us was a huge relief for me.

There are many things to take into consideration with fluid bonding for example. Fluid bonding refers to the decision to stop using barrier protection during sex and exchange bodily fluids with your partner. Consider the risk level of each person. How much sex does everyone have and with whom? Having regular sex with two people is different than one night stands with two strangers. Different sex acts also come with varying risk levels.


With a lover who is saving money or low on money I might make an effort to adjust our time spent together towards this. Cooking at home. Making special dates based on great cooking and exciting combinations. When sharing a meal at a Restaurant some partners and I have shared an app that split our expenses. With varying incomes, expenses and values to consider it can come up early in any relationship.

When moving in together or when buying or investing in something big together like a car it is useful to clearly discus how the financials work. Who will make the purchase and how you split the maintenance and upkeep costs. What happens if you split up or move out? Being clear about these decisions can make I find it important to make a note of these agreements. Often I write it in a text message to the person so that we both can search for a reference it. It might seem formal but when navigating multiple relationships over many years I find it consistently useful to have a note of these things. And even if you disagree with the decision in the future it gives a starting point for renegotiation.

Life Partner

Instead of naming someone my “primary” partner I try and consider exactly what I mean by that. Usually I realise that what I am trying to communicate is better expressed by using the term “life” partner. This is the person I am considering in my life plans. We make plans together for the future. By clarifying how far into the future we plan with someone we can contribute to this picture that makes up our current idea of a relationship. Not to plan a structure for it but to imagine how it looks now.

Collaborative Partners

In this section I considered quality time and other time spent together. I know that spending time completing tasks together is something that I enjoy. I love going camping or making events with the people I love. It helps me build trust with people. Being able to problem solve together. Managing high intensity in navigating deadlines or resources is exciting to me. Seeing someone in states of leadership and . I notice that I may use these times to practice good boundaries and trust the boundary of my partner. If in a stressful moment they ask for a break during then I feel more trust that they might do that in other moments which may be less obvious to me in the future.

I hope this has given you an idea of how you might use the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord in your own life and relationships.

I will be hosting one last Poly Speed Dating through the Venice Project this summer in Berlin. I would love to see you there!

Friday 21 July 1900–2200 Eventbrite