Embracing the Art of Dirty Talk
Introduction
Dirty talk has long been a part of sexual relationships, but it is oftentimes misunderstood, seen as something taboo, or ignored altogether. Dirty talk can be incredibly powerful. It is both a physical and emotional experience, one that often involves a great deal of trust and vulnerability. It can add to the physical experience by providing a powerful aphrodisiac and can also lead to heightened experiences of pleasure and arousal. On the emotional side, it can lead to deeper feelings of trust and connection, helping partners to open up and be more honest about their desires. This is especially true for those who are new to the concept, as there can be a lot of anxiety and fear involved, either from a lack of experience or from a fear of being judged.
Dirty talk provides a wonderful opportunity for folks to learn more about each other’s desires. In addition to being fun and exciting, these workshops can help lovers understand each other better and communicate their needs more clearly. This is why I call my workshops Magic. I believe that we hold so much power in the words that we say to ourselves and each other.
If you are new to dirty talk, let me guide you through the basics on how to get started. I know it can be tricky to overcome that first moment of breaking the silence. But don’t worry, you don’t have to play out a perfect scripted role. Even a few words, sentences or questions can get you started in your journey.
What is dirty talk?
When first considering these words in 2019 before I began my exploration I thought mostly of movie references. I thought that DT was a constructed fantasy story with a beginning, middle and an end. I considered it a daunting act of improvisation. Since then I have begun to consider it as a beautiful bonding experience.
Why try dirty talk?
All my life I have struggled with skin problems that spread all over my body. This includes itching, dryness, redness and inflammation. This means that a lot of the time my body is in some sort of pain or discomfort. I found moving from an everyday headspace to a soft and sensual one difficult in general. It made the transition even more challenging with pain as a further distraction. Dirty talking helped me focus. Saying things out loud was like being my own sexy cheerleader. “This is sexy” Breathing into the words, hearing them and believing them.
What do you want?
If a love in your life asked you what you would like to hear — would you have an answer immediately? Knowing ourselves in these spaces is important. Some people discover during my workshops that verbally expressing themselves takes them out of their physical body in an unpleasant way. They might find that they prefer to moan, growl, purr and non-verbally express their desire and pleasure.
Take some time to consider what you might like to be called. What words make you feel safe and what words turn you on? Knowing this yourself can help you give guidance to your Dirty Talk counterpart. You can invite a lover to take part in this self reflection too.
An example -
I would like to be called “baby girl”. I feel soft and vulnerable right now and would like to feel safe. I would like to be told how sweet and protected I am. I would like you to speak slowly and stroke my hair while you speak.
Go on a journey
Once you know where you are at and what your listener would like to hear you can start to take them on a journey. A relaxing and sensual scene might start on a warm beach with a gentle breeze. Using the senses you could describe the smell of the sun cream in the air. The soft sound of waves in the distance and the seagulls flying over head. The feeling of sand between your toes and the perfect temperature sun kissing your skin.
The delivery
How you speak is very important to how the listener will experience your words. Giving instructions in an assertive tone while projecting your voice is going to feel very different from whispering and breathing sweet compliments. Consider the feedback that you got from the listener as you speak. If someone wants to feel held and safe position your bodies in a way that will support this dynamic. Get active feedback on how close they like your lips to their ears and if they like to see your lips move as you speak. Watching their body is good feedback too. Their facial expression and bodily movements will give you clues.
Top tip -
During your Dirty Talk Date give them permission to communicate feedback to you. If they are not enjoying the direction of the story so far their facial expression can guide you.
Bring it all together
Coming along to a workshop, taking a course or reading a book are great ways to gather information about the subject. In reality however, practice will be most helpful. I suggest reaching out to someone to ask them on a Dirty Talk Date. Setting the intention together is a good way to practice together. Sitting in a bath together while you try whispering scenarios in the candle light. Using a blindfold and massage oil to help your partner relax into a sensual mood after work could be a beautiful start to opening up your voices together. Maybe a long car journey coming up would be a great time to try out some scenarios and sounds.
Don’t forget!
Things might end up awkward! As things sometimes do when we try for the first time. You may fall into laughter or get feedback that a certain word is uncomfortable to hear. This is a vulnerable process of opening up and sharing. Making mistakes in story line or running out of ideas are all part of the process. Practicing in a loving and safe environment means allowing all of these things and using them to grow together.
Some other things to consider
- Dirty talk in the form of voice or text messages. Let someone know that you think about them even when they are not around.
- Nudes! Consensually incorporating pictures or videos to your smutty communication can be such a gift to those of us who are more visual. These can be of you and your partner(s) but could also be content from professionals online.
- ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response). Small or specific sounds can cause powerful responses in some. Experimenting with whispers and other mouth sounds can cause tingles!
Interested in deepening your understanding of dirty talk?
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Check out my workshop coming up at the beautiful Studio LUX in Berlin.
Talk Dirty to Me — Friday 6 July 1900–2200
