The sub’s Handbook to Successful Dirty Talk

Violet Beau
4 min readJan 14, 2024


How can individuals in D/s dynamics enhance communication, navigate boundaries and strengthen connections through the art of dirty talk?

Over the years of embarking on the exploration of dirty talk, I’ve conversed with over 250 people, finding the definition elusive yet all-encompassing. People agreed that dirty talk can include expressions of both romantic love and lust. Practical negotiations, such as conversations about sexual health and limits, could be included under this umbrella as much as role play or flattery does. As broad as this term seems, people can often agree on one thing — improving dirty talk is about enhancing communication.

In the D/s dynamic, communication is key. It is crucial that both parties feel confident about expressing their needs and listening to the needs of others. In this blog, I will outline some of the things that you need to know about Dirty Talk as a sub.

Boundaries are Beautiful

Boundaries are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and individual well-being. They serve as the framework for mutual respect, ensuring that each person’s needs, emotions, and personal space are acknowledged and honoured. Establishing boundaries fosters open communication, preventing misunderstandings and conflicts. It empowers individuals to prioritise self-care and maintain a sense of autonomy. How can we agree that all of this is true when we willingly enter relationships in which our autonomy is explicitly limited or taken away?

Setting clear boundaries in BDSM dynamics is critical. This first starts with knowing yourself and practising checking in with what boundaries you might want to express. After some reflection you may find that some activities, words or role play are always off limits for you. The expectation is not to know all of your limits all of the time but you can give yourself a head start by preparing some things ahead of time. Starting with a few points that may seem obvious can provide a starting off point.

“I don’t enjoy dirty talk in my native language”
“I dislike fantasies about public or exhibitionist play”
“I hate the word moist!”

Negotiations and Aftercare

Pre-negotiations are essential to any intense BDSM play. This time should be dedicated to speaking on equal terms about the details of play. This conversation should include big picture points about appropriate noise levels, for example. Speaking about each other’s limits in relation to what words you might not want to hear at certain moments or about what role play you would like to explore together.

Continuing these conversations about what went well and what could be different is a key aspect of moving and improving a dynamic. After time and practice, you may find that having this habit helps you and your partner know just exactly what to do and say to press your buttons in the right ways!

Don’t forget to include aftercare in the conversation at this early stage. Be specific about any care or reassurance you might need after an intense scene. This could include body contact, sleeping in the same bed, or a warm cup of tea. View this as an aftercare handbook that you can share with those who might need to know how to support you after moments of intensity.

Your Style

Reflecting on your style and preferences will get you started on your subby dirty talk journey. No guide can tell you exactly how to communicate boundaries or desires without taking into consideration your own style. The role you play or the person you inhabit when in sub-space will influence how you communicate. A bratty submissive might find ways to share their preferences in character by suggesting they write their desires as part of a task set by their Dom. If a person’s submissive-self is not verbally forward in their communication, using gestures or specific moans can be used instead.

Using dirty talk in a scene can serve many purposes in a Dom and sub dynamic. Having regular pre-negotiation and feedback conversations adds clarity to future situations. Reflecting on and understanding your style and preferences are important to making sure you feel comfortable expressing yourself.

Remember that talking can be awkward. Start slow and be gentle with yourself and your partner. Whether it’s to express love or lust, take some time to have a dirty talk date with someone you wish to communicate well with.

You can dive deeper into these topics at my upcoming workshops at Studio LUX, Berlin’s biggest Dominatrix Studio

Talk Dirty to Me- Friday 6 July 1900–2200

Or for more resources check out:

Dirty Talk Magic — Blog Post

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